*Sigh* Vote!!

Ok, it’s November 22 and it’s the day of the elections here. We have the right to choose for a (new) government. Perhaps even the obligation to choose a new government… Why obligation, well, because if you don’t go and vote, I think you don’t have the right to bitch about what government your country has and what they choose to do. And I know, no matter what I’m going to vote, I’ll bitch about my government. It’s what people do. Cause you have to bitch about something, don’t you? Politics never turn out to be what the politicians said it would be. Politicians compromise, make mistakes, etc. Promises made, get forgotten, get changed, get compromised. Politics is an ever changing subject and you just don’t really/precisely know what you’re getting yourself into. But you do have to vote so your country has the government, the political parties, you think will do the best, while understanding that it will never turn out to be as the parties promised.
That said… I haven’t the faintest idea what I’m going to vote… *Sigh* I am going to vote. I’m not going to let my vote go to waste. But, I don’t yet know whom or what party I’m going to vote for… *Sigh* I have till 9 o’clock this evening… I hope I don’t have to make a last minute decision. Voting sucks but it’s ever so important!! *Sigh*

Not an addict...

You know the song, right, from K’s Choice? So let me first of all say, I am and will never ever, ever be an addict, or admit it… Ok, with that out of the way, I’m just a tad bit addicted to this little puzzle, called Sudoku. No, I’m not an addict, what did I just say… sjeez… Do read carefully, please ;-)
Anyway, as I was playing yet another sudoku, I remembered something… We, the Dutch, have a new champion in our midst. The 17-year old Aniek Huijsman has won the WC Sudoku in London, October 15th. She not only won the title of being the best in the world, but also a holiday to Sweden. That’s nice… Perhaps a good reason to participate in the next WC Sudoku ;-)
But if a trip to Sweden isn’t good enough for you to start playing, those few who don’t play it (yet), perhaps you might consider playing it for other reasons… For it can lower your blood pressure, relieve stress and even make you smarter. If I ever would get an addiction, this would be the least harmful addiction to get addicted to. But, as I said, I'm not an addict… You know the song. If not (shame on you ;-)) you can find the lyrics here.

Chitchat

I just don’t know. I know it’s shocking, but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to say in this blog… It’s been so long since I wrote an entry that I’m out of practice… Ok. Ok, you’re right, it’s a terrible excuse. Forgive me.

Let’s talk about the reason why it’s been so long… My Masters :D Yeah, it kept me busy. But in the end, it was all worth it :D Oh yeah, I have my degree :D Oh yeah, I’m good :P I am a student no more… And I haven’t yet started a new study, so I’m truly a student no more. My thesis, if you’re interested, is about the Irish tale Togail Bruidne Da Derga. It’s called ‘The kingship in Togail Bruidne Da Derga’ and I investigate the kingship in perspective of the Irish laws and the theories we now know and accept concerning these laws and also kingship. I investigate if what this story tells, what it depicts about kingship, agrees with what we know now. Alas, it’s in Dutch. So sorry for all you English speaking folk out there who can’t read Dutch (shame on you ;))… But you can always e-mail me if you’re interested. Perhaps we can work something out.

So, for another subject… it’s Animal/Pet’s Day :D My little (but way taller) brother has two of the most cutest and adorable ferrets. One is white and the other’s brown. They have a nice life, all do I say so myself. They lack of nothing anyway. So, this is my queue to talk about the animals that are less fortunate… All those animals that are being abused and ill-treated. Watch the programme on Animal Planet about the animal cops (isn’t it also called Animal Cops?) The things they sometimes show are horrible, beyond comprehension. I at least for one can’t comprehend why people treat their animals the way they do sometimes. I know it should be a joyous day, at least for the animals, but we should take a minute and consider the animals that aren’t so fortunate.
But now, go pamper your pet! He’ll/She’ll enjoy it. If your pet doesn’t like being groomed or petted, then give special attention to their food. Or give it a new toy to play with. Or whatever. Show that you love it, more than you otherwise already do. Cause they deserve it. They bring us joy and they give us their love. We should pay that back.

So now I’m kinda out of anything to talk about… I wish you and your pet a happy and beautiful day. Talk to you soon, when I have other (perhaps more interesting) things to say.

Year of the Dog

It’s been a while again, but I’ve been a bit busy, writing two essays, coping with some personal shit, so I apologise that I haven’t written this last Sunday when the new Chinese year came and I read something which gave me the idea of writing this entry. Or at least sooner than today. So I wish everybody a belated happy new lunar year - of the dog.
I myself am a dog, so this should be my year :D Though, the start of this new lunar year also didn’t quite go as I planned, wished or hoped for. But let me start at the beginning.
Last Sunday I read in our TV-guide that the year of the dog had started and there were things stated about every Chinese zodiac sign. Here’s what mine said:

‘The Dog
Loyal, enthusiastic, in possession of a sharp intuition. The Dog is the first person who will help you, if you need it. Someone who you can always count on. Injustice makes him (or her :P) furious, but in a crisis situation he keeps his head together. Dogs need a goal though, otherwise they tend to get a bit down/crestfallen. They often have many fans. They don’t have any interest for money, as long as it’s there…
Other Dogs Bill Clinton, Jennifer Lopez, Wendy van Dijk, Beyoncé and Ronald & Frank de Boer (though I assume most of you won’t know Wendy, perhaps you do know the brothers De Boer).
Top match Horse, Pig, Tiger en Monkey.
2006 The year of the Dog is one to enjoy. Promotion, more money… Chances everywhere! The year is filled with them, but you have to take action; you won’t get it for free. Some Dogs will move or will make an expensive purchase. You should watch your money/dimes(?). This is also the year to put a mark behind/to strike out disappointments of the past. You are not a star in forgetting, but you should nevertheless try it.’

As horoscopes go, this suits me just fine.
A chance already had come by, but for me it was already a closed door when I went for it. For me it was too little too late. But doors come by and go. When one closes, another opens. So, I don’t mourn the loss of that first door. I may regret not acting sooner, but with hindsight I think it is perhaps for the best. That closed door though, should realise that some things will never take place anymore. Some things spoken of in the past. He should also realise he didn’t choose the best time telling when and what he did. He should have waited. And that sucks the most. Bloody basterd. As the horoscope said, we are not very good at forgetting. I may forgive, but I will not forget for at least a while. Closed doors are a two way junction. Besides, I’m also a Scorpio, and don’t they tend to be vengeful? Ah well, some things will just not take place anymore. That’s revenge enough I suppose. That closed door and I will still be good friends, buddies, and mates. But I will now focus on other doors open.

Chances everywhere it says. Well, talking about promotion then, I hope to get my MA in Celtic Languages & Culture this year. As I said, I was busy writing two essays. They were due yesterday and I have handed them in (by mail). So now I await my marks with much anticipation. I am not done yet though, not by far. I still have 2 courses to follow and a MA thesis to write. But I believe I will get my diploma this year :D And then it’s of to another study ;) And also finding a job, which supports the horoscope’s prediction of more money :P
Chances everywhere! I feel it’s going to be a good year!

Think in the colour of your heart

I live nearby Rotterdam. I take the subway and the train and I am mostly always surrounded by… Hmm, how do I say this without sounding like a racist… I am mostly always surrounded by people whose origin is clearly not Dutch. They may have been born in The Netherlands, but their ancestors are not. Nothing wrong with that. On paper I also am allochtonous – a foreigner in my own country since my mom was born in Australia (and that’s also the reason why companies would be very happy to hire me; I’m white, female and on paper a ‘foreigner’). Anyway, I sit in the subway and the train and I hear them speak but cannot understand them cause they don’t speak Dutch. I walk on the streets and the same goes.
So why do I tell this? Well our minister of Integration has said she wanted to look into sharpening the codes of behaviour of integration, so that ‘foreigners’ who live here learn the values of our country better. One of the things she was thinking of was that ‘foreigners’ should only speak Dutch on the streets when surrounded by Dutch, and thus in subways and trains. I can understand where she is coming from. How I wish I could understand people who aren’t speaking Dutch, English or perhaps German, wanting to know what they are saying and if it concerns me.
But, though I can understand where she is coming from, I don’t think it is very rationally of her wanting to set this code. One, you can’t check everyone every minute of the day, everywhere they are, checking if they are speaking Dutch. Secondly, if I’m in another country with some friends, I also only speak their language when talking to a native of the country, and that is if I can speak the language. Otherwise it’s English for me. I can even imagine the same goes when I live for a longer period of time in that same country, and I have learned the language, I still will speak Dutch with my friends and family. Thirdly, it isn’t very liberal to limit people in their choice of speech. The Netherlands are a democratic and free country with a multi ethnical culture. You should not be restricted in your speech, though you should learn the Dutch language if you plan to live here. That is a good rule I think for immigrants. I don’t think that’s racist. And it’s just polite to speak Dutch if you’re surrounded by Dutch, but to set it is as a code that’s not doable.

I’ve been to a housewarmings party last night. It was fun. Too bad there isn’t an English equivalent of ‘gezellig’, cause that’s what it was. Perhaps cosy, but that has a different intonation and doesn’t give the right ambience. Anyways, I was sitting there and these two guys were having fun, joking about things and ‘foreigners’. Nothing serious and I laughed. So, a third guy called me racist. I wasn’t even joking, only laughing a bit, and I am the one who’s called a racist. It wasn’t serious, me being called a racist, so I am not concerned about that. But it was the second time in my life that I’ve been called a racist. And being called so just makes me start thinking of how I act. The first time was when I was standing in the train, early one morning when I had to go to college. I don’t like standing in the train. I just don’t. Secondly, I usually look grumpy towards people I don’t know. Just a defence of mine. One of my new year resolutions was to look cheery when going outside, but that besides. So, I was standing in the train and two Muslim girls were sitting in front of me. And one of them took it personally that I wasn’t looking cheery and was grumpy standing in the train. That dumb ass cow. Anyways, she too called me racist, only she meant it. You can call me a lot of thing. Call me a bitch and I will even acknowledge I am. But I will not let myself get called a racist and not defend myself. So I spoke back at that and she didn’t like that I spoke back. Dumb ass cow. But, that dumb ass cow attacked me. Stupid bitch. She couldn’t do anything to me, surrounded by bystanders, one of which jumped in when she grabbed me by the throat, which wasn’t a smart move of her since I was wearing a thick turtle-neck/roll-neck… and she wasn’t… what ya think I did? And who’d ya think would have been more successful choking the other if one male bystander hadn’t interfered? (Though truth be told, I wasn’t choking her or going to, just holding her.) But, the situation did make me start to think of how I act. Can you be a racist without knowing it and when you yourself start wondering if you are one, just because one person said so? Though, you yourself have never thought so? I must admit you can be one without knowing it, or thinking so. But, can you delude yourself that you aren’t one when you start thinking about it truthfully cause someone said you were? After that first time, after I started wondering truthfully, I came to the conclusion that I am not a racist, never have and never will be, no matter how much I joke and laugh. Cause I think in the colour of my heart. Not in black. Not in white. Not in black or white. There’s a Dutch song stating that; ‘don’t think black, don’t think white, don’t think black-white, but in the colour of your heart’ (roughly translated). It’s good advice.
Let people be who they are, though they should abide to the rules and values of the country they live in. Let them speak the language they want, annoying as it can be if you can't understand it, and although they should also be able to speak the language of the country they live in. Don’t think that, because of one black sheep, everyone is. Think in the colour of your heart, because regarding that, everyone is equal.

A mother’s love

I am 23. It isn’t and doesn’t sound old, but I am at an age where I start to think about the future; a husband, career, kids. Not in the direct future, God forbid, let me please first finish my studies and find a decent job, but sometimes I dream of a cute, sweet little girl whom I can love unconditionally. Or a cute, sweet little boy. I haven’t yet decided which sex I want first :P I think a boy, and then a girl so the girl can have crushes on her brother’s friends. That’s how it went with me ;-)
But anyway, why I tell this, is that I can’t understand mothers who kill their children, or try to sell them on internet. That’s the case what happened here in the Netherlands last week and the week before last. A couple of dead babies were found. One of the mothers tried to commit suicide afterwards with a friend of hers, which failed, but her little girl was already dead by suffocation. And another mother tried to gave away her fourth or fifth (I can’t remember) child on marktplaats.nl, a Dutch auction site. The site immediately removed the offer and the police was informed. Anyway, the woman did this because she couldn’t take care for it and was not a very motherly woman. I think that if you don’t want a child, you shouldn’t get pregnant, and if you do get pregnant and you decide that you don’t want it, you either give it up for adoption, or you get an abortion. Personally, I would never go for the abortion. I do think that a woman should have the opportunity to have an abortion, though I think the period in which a woman can have one, should be reduced from 24 weeks to…less. But I would not go for the abortion. If I would get pregnant and I can’t care for the child, I would give it up for adoption with pain in my heart. Or that’s what I imagine anyway. Hey, I already almost cry when I see animals being hurt on Animal Planet… giving away your child should be more devastating for a woman, right? Let alone kill it…

The Terminator does it again

Last night the 76 year old Clarence Ray Allen has been put to death, a day after his 76 birthday. Allan had heart problems, was in a wheelchair, blind and almost entirely deaf. He was convicted as principal for three murders in 1982. So, our good ol’ terminator Arnold, again, didn’t give clemency. Allan is the 2nd oldest American to been put to death and the fourth person who didn’t get clemency from Arnold. By doing so, Arnold ignored a request made by the human rights organisation ‘Raad van Europa’ to give clemency to such an old man.
So, as I said, I am against capital punishment. Let these guys rot in prison, with no hope of any escape from their own little private hell, in which they may not have any contact with the outside, family included, and without any luxury. Arnold should have given the man clemency, he should be very reluctant to deny clemency and with that give permission to execute someone. Though in theory and practice Arnold is not responsible for the man’s death, still his death comes down to his decision to deny clemency. I wonder how Arnold can live with his decisions. The lives of a lot of men are in his hands, and I don’t think it are very capable hands… Nonetheless, there are even less capable hands… Bush can decide over the lives of the entire country… America is doomed. I hope you all live to see the next elections ;-)

Can anybody find me...

It’s been a while since my last entry, I've been busy. But I promise to try and make it up to you. So let me see… The dentist was fine. Always fun. And I’m not being sarcastic. We have a very relaxed dentist, and we always have fun. I also actually don’t have any problem with going to the dentist, since I never have any problems with my teeth. Thank God. But, besides that, it gives me the chance to skip classes with a legit reason :D When in high school, I had braces and every time I went to the orthodontist, I got permission from my mom to stay home after I had seen him… Ah, the good ol’ days… ;-) Now I stay just home from college illegally, when I don’t feel like going :P

Anyway, that same evening I had to go to a little going away party for a friend of mine. She had to go back to Ireland – how dreadful – to finish her work placement. Though I really wanted to go to the party, I also didn’t want to go. The party was supposed to be a party such as that we, my girlfriends and I, usually have. Just a group of girls having fun, talking and perhaps watch a movie. But those don’t include guys, and the guys of my friends were invited to this party. I don’t mind parties which include guys, but the ambience is different. So, I wanted to go, but also kinda didn’t.
One of my friends is just since recently started to be a couple. And it was so very typical at this little party. The two couples together on the couch, a third that hadn’t brought her guy, next to them, saying she was normally always with him. My other friend and I who aren’t with someone right now, on the opposite wall. Afterwards we were happy to have left, for the couples were being so obvious. Anyway, my friend who just recently has gotten herself a man has done so through an internet dating service. And those things seem to work, as I understand many have found their better half via dating services. Still, I don’t see myself ever subscribing to such a service. Not even when I’m that desperate for a guy. I just believe that I can fall in love with a man without a dating service, and it being mutual. However, some people I consider to be very good friends I met on internet. So I can’t say I never met someone through internet, but it was just without a dating service :P
Do you know that song of Queen, ‘Can anybody find me, somebody to love?’ If someone can, it’s a dating service apparently. So, I should never say never is the conclusion. But still… I think I am better than a dating service.

Two shitty decrees

What better way to forget my own little problem for a while, than to bitch about something. This time I will not bitch about Bush, or the government of America and her decisions, or something else concerning America which I could bitch about. This time, it concerns my own little country. See, I’m fair, I don’t discriminate America ;)

On this first day of the new year, a couple of decrees has set in (is that the right form of expression?). Anyway, the first has to do with the Dutch language. After a period of ten years it has been decided by an independent organ to once again adjust grammar and spelling. And that is just nonsense. The way this works is that this organ gets letters in which people ask why this works this way and that, that way. They get letters with questions concerning the Dutch language. If they have enough letters about one problem they can decide to change the language or the rule so that it becomes easier and more comprehendible. So, the changes that organ has decided should take place, has set in on this first day of 2006. But, they don’t make the language that much easier or better to comprehend in my eyes. And I am not the only one thinking this. National papers and magazines have declared to ignore the changes and go with what they know of old. Most of the Dutch public agrees. The people who go with the changes are, no big surprise since they most always see things different than the Dutch, the Belgians. They have said to fully accept the changes. That is just such a stupid thing to do. But hey, no big surprise there… they’re Belgians.
The second decree has to do with the care system in the Netherlands. They, the government, had decided it should change, but not for the better as I see it. Where we once had a system where there were 2 groups of insurants, we now have a system where we have only one group. But, though this change should have taken away the differences between the 2 groups, they still exist, only in an altered form. It shouldn’t have been hard for the government to have seen this coming, they should have taken use of what little intelligence they combined have, and realise that it wasn’t for the better, to introduce an altered care system. But hey, all governments are the same for that matter and are to blind to see their own incapability in all kind of different matters and don’t see when they have failed the public. Cause I do see it as failing, the new system. It isn’t for the better.

So, I’m through bitching for the evening. Now I can go back to my own little problem and feel shitty a little more. Tomorrow morning I also have to go to the dentist, and though I know nothing is wrong, I don’t want to go. At the moment I just feel too shitty for a dental appointment, where I have to be cheerful and a happy little camper.

Where I wish upon a star

When I was in my senior year of our equivalent of high school, five years ago, I thought I would not graduate, at least not that year. My grades weren’t hopeful in my eyes, my grandma past away shortly before my first school exams and I just hadn’t a good feeling about it all. Anyway it was in the winter and at that time, I still played tennis and still had tennis lessons. It was when my friend and I got back after a lesson that I saw a falling star. My friend hadn’t seen it and I made my wish. I wished that I would graduate; I wanted so much for that wish to come true. And it did. I had prepared to not graduate and to do the year over, but I graduated. And I remembered my wish. Rationally I can understand that my wish had nothing to do with my graduation but everything with my input and the way I did my final exams; totally relaxed. But still, I can’t say for sure my wish upon that falling star, has nothing to do with it.
Would my falling star still grant wishes? Cause once more I wish upon a star.

Last night was New Year. And before I go on, I wish you all a good new year and hope all of you had a great time. Personally I don’t feel a new year has begun. Till ten o’clock p.m. I was studying. That doesn’t mean I hadn’t a good time when the clock finally struck 12. But I think I royally screwed up around a quarter till two. I got a phone call from my acquaintance whom was in love with me. And there lies the part I royally screwed up. I was at my neighbours and their big dog had lain herself upon my lap so it took some time before I could answer my phone properly. I took interest in him and I really was interested and wanted to know how he was doing, but I think the damage at that point had already been done.
So today I already thought life wasn’t very fair and felt a bit shitty for the way I might have treated him. I got on the internet and logged in at msn but he wasn’t online so I decided to get going with my studies again, while I put my msn on ‘occupied’. When I looked up I was invited into a multiple chat. And to my VERY BIG SURPRISE, my acquaintance was also in that chat and he was ‘offline’ as far as I saw. So I can’t get passed the logical conclusion that he has blocked me, while he had said that he wouldn’t do that; for he replied in the chat, and still he was offline for me. So now, life sucks even more. What a good way to start the New Year. I feel betrayed. I haven’t the knowledge of his reasons behind his action, I don’t even know for sure he has blocked me, so for all I know it is as innocent as a new born (it sounds naïve even to me), but still I feel betrayed.

So I wish upon a star that this year will be a lot better than 2005 and my start will not prove to be an omen of the coming year.

Merry Christmas

Another year has come and is almost gone. As every year, the past year had its ups and downs, its good and bad, its fun and stress. Time flies and sometimes I wonder were it goes. But such is time and nevertheless time has its plusses for time heals every wound, though the memory remains, vague as it gets with time. But so do the good memories. They keep each other in balance. The Light can not exist without the dark, do we wish it could. But they exist in each others grace. Nonetheless, it is the Season to be jolly, a Season of Life, Love and Peace in which we celebrate the coming of Christ, our Saviour.
So I wish everybody a Very Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year. May all your wishes for the coming year come true and may you know nothing but happiness and prosperity. May you find Peace, Love and Joy in this most Magical Season. May you be blessed with Peace and Safety in all four Seasons and wherever you are. May the Light always shine upon you and keep the dark at bay. And may God keep you in the palm of His hand. Have a merry holiday and a good New Years Eve.

Hugs and Kisses

Winter Solstice

It’s Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. My little brother was born on the 21st of December thus that makes him a lucky person for he has the sun on his side, while she increases her influence. So we celebrated his 20th birthday tonight and though he didn’t get much presents, for it’s almost Christmas, we had a good time, learning to play/playing mah-jong :)
Anyhow, winter has finally begun and I for one can’t wait for it to set in. I want this winter to be a very cold one, so hell freezes over and I can skate on natural ice for a first time in I think nearly a decade. I love to skate, but it has been a very long time since I done it. The few times the ditches did freeze over, I didn’t think it sensible to go skating for it had only been freezing for a few days and the thaw had set in the day people went skating…
But I have hope for this winter. I also hope it will snow with Christmas. I am just a little romantic at heart. So I have hopes for this winter but if I must be realistic, which I normally am, I must admit it doesn’t seem very likely that my hopes will come true. It will probably rain with Christmas and it probably won’t freeze long or hard enough for me to go skating with a good feeling :( Damn global heating. Damn Bush for neglecting international treaties and thus contributing extra to global heating. Damn Bush in general. Ok, I’ll admit, I don’t like Bush all that much. Concerning Bush, I’ll leave it at that for now.
So, I have hopes for this Christmas. It seems that in the future though, I won’t have to hope anymore, for I remember that it has been said that, due to global heating if I remember correct, it’ll get colder in Europe in the future. This means that the winter will be winter again, the ditches will freeze over, I will be a happy camper skating and my romantic heart will rejoice and enjoy Christmas even more with a big mug of hot chocolate. Thank God for global heating… hey, you have to see the positive in the negative ;)
Enjoy winter (solstice) everyone.

American hubris

I still feel a slight bit shitty from last night, so I have decided to trash the Americans once more. It’s not that I don’t like Americans, or they don’t live in a beautiful country. It’s just that they are so easy to trash, for they have a crappy government and actors as chosen governors and presidents, who should just stick with what they are good at; every man to his trade… And I wanted to say this ever since last week when it became known that Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams had been executed. I do acknowledge that the man is a murderer, and he did belong in jail, but I am against capital punishment. For I think being in jail till the end of your days (that means a natural death) is more effective and revengeful than being in death row; put the criminal away with no access to any luxury or the prospect of keeping contact with any family till the day he dies a natural death. The prospect of death row just doesn’t decrease criminality. Furthermore, alive he was worth more than dead cause he had a good influence on the community, for he wrote books which kept the youth away from gangs and their culture. But, after his petition for clemency was denied, he was put to death; he was executed for Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he didn’t know if Williams was honest in his redemption. What the fuck?! So what if it wasn’t honest… Williams decreased criminality with his books and had been nominated for the Nobel Prize of Peace and Literature a couple of times… a gang had promised to give up half of their arsenal if Williams got his clemency… HE HAD A GOOD INFLUENCE. Isn’t that worth more than the question if he was honest?

So where is the hubris in this you may ask? Well, Americans like to think that no other people are as Christian as they are. God is their Father and they follow Him in all His might and bright. But only God has the right to decide between life and death and the Americans who make the decision to put someone to death just ignore this little fact. So do they think they have the right to make the decision for/in stead of God? Do they think they are better than He is? For they are most certainly not. But still they think nobody is as Christian as they are. No one is as conservative as they are… But they do have the right to decide over life and death… If that isn’t hubris, nothing is. And yes, so did Williams, think he has the right to decide over life and death, and that got him locked up for nearly 25 years…

'Tis the Season to be jolly, the season we celebrate the coming of Christ. A Season of life and love... and what do the Americans do? Put someone to death in all their might and bright and hubris… And they don’t get punished for it.

Hear no, speak no, see no evil

I feel like shit momentarily. A friend/acquaintance has admitted tonight that he had feelings for me, was in love with me… I saw this coming, but I don’t feel the same for him. I like him and think he’s a nice guy, but (at the moment) my feelings for him don’t go further than that. He seemed ok with that… He said he thought that would be the case… but then he did something which made me ask why he did what he did and well, I didn’t really think it was because of me, but I do tend to take things to heart so I asked if he did it because of me.
First his answer was negative, but then he said that perhaps, yes, it had something to do with me. I said to him, that if he wanted me to leave him alone (for a while), he should say so. But then he said ‘that I shouldn’t take it personally’, but that he just felt shitty, he was off his stroke at the moment and that after a good nights sleep, he would feel much better.
How can I not take that personally? Someone is hurting because of me. A man is hurting because of me. And I can’t help but feel shitty about that. For I have never been able to cope with men who are/were hurting.

Today’s men, is the general opinion, should be able to show their feelings. They should be in contact with their feminine side, so they should be able to cry. That doesn’t work for me. I remember this one time, I was about 11 I think, and a big fight concerning my little brother (who is 3 years younger than I am). In those days he just wasn’t a happy camper and created huge fights and would thereafter lock himself up in his room. Normally the one person he didn’t exclude was my older brother (2.5 years older than I am). But this time he did. I remember going up the stairs to the second floor where both my brothers’ bedrooms were, and hearing my brother cry, seeing him being comforted by my mom. I never heard or saw anything so terrible. My big brother crying, the one person my little brother never excluded and also always seemed to listen to. What had he said to my brother that he was crying? What had he done? My big brother crying, one of the few persons I really relied on and of whom I thought could never be broken. My big brother… broken.

Since then, I think, I can’t cope with men who are hurting. And it is even worse if I am the instigator, for as I said, I tend to take things to heart. Perhaps I shouldn’t have asked anything, perhaps I shouldn’t have cared. Perhaps I am too much of a woman in heart. But I want my family, friends, and people I like, to be happy. I would like to protect them against any evil coming their way. But how can I protect them if that evil is me and I didn’t mean for them to be hurting because of me? How can I not feel shitty if it is because of me, even if the person hurting says I am not to blame?

I must say that just sharing this helps, but not enough, and I think this will wander my thoughts for I fall asleep later this night. Ah well, such is my mind and conscience...

American Stupidity

I think it’s fairly known by the Americans that non-Americans don’t think fairly highly of them (if not, it’s known now ;)). And to be fair, to us foreigners some decision taken by the American government and the Americans themselves, aren’t quite understandable. Some of the American policies just aren’t logical. And your elections are incomprehensible like hell. But I know that this is a two way junction, since our elections and policies may also seem incomprehensible, e.g. our drugs policy – which I completely support, and no I don’t do drugs, never have and never will. So I shouldn’t bitch. But since I love to do that and I’m good at it, I’ll just ignore that and bitch away.

This week it became known that more than half of the Americans want another president with the next elections, they are not satisfied with president Bush or his policy, and in hindsight think that the invasions of Iraq was a big mistake.
When I heard this, my thoughts were: ‘Well, that’s just mighty bright of those Americans. That just blows my mind… Couldn’t they have figured this out sooner, before this dickhead of a president was elected for his second term? Couldn’t they have elected the other, Gore?’
It’s just typical American stupidity to be this insightful when Bush is already a year in his second term. It’s just typical American stupidity to be this insightful when their presidents have the tradition to never fulfil more than two terms and thus, Bush will never be elected with the next elections for a third term. So insightful you Americans can be.
But to be fair, we can blame it all on the way you choose a new president. It can all be blamed on your elections. It’s just so complicated that system of yours. A candidate can have more votes but still loose the election. That’s just so unfair. Just ignore the majority of the people’s voice and choice. Kerry should have been president. You guys should have chosen Gore. Bush SUCKS BIG TIMES, and with the next elections you should vote for the democrat. You guys never had a better president than Clinton, of that I can remember that is. So go for the democrat. That’s the better choice for everyone.

Talking ’bout the weaker sex

Talking about the weaker sex. Talking about boys and men. Most men, and perhaps some women, would assume the weaker sex is the woman. Whoever thinks this is so wrong, just plain wrong. Boy are you ever so wrong if you think this. Why, you ask, do I mention this? Well, last week I read this article and today I got reminded of it by my dad. The poor soul…

Boys are not more intelligent than girls. But you can say that girls perform better than boys. For years (international) research has shown that this is so. Girls take up less time to successfully end their education and fewer girls call it quits halfway their education. This is even true for the beta studies. Again and again girls perform better than boys and not only on educational grounds; they have also become more assertive, e.g. in courting. For the full article (in Dutch) look here.
So, women are just better than men. Sorry to bust your bubble boys and men. Physically men are perhaps stronger, but even so, women can even the scores by training their physique. But hey, noting new under the sun. Men are just weaker than women. This also shows in their health (also read the article). They get ill sooner and more often. Just today my dad said he wasn’t feeling well, he was ill – he has a nasty cough… a really mean little cough… uhuh, yeah and that means you’re ill…. Not likely. Nasty cough? Take some cough syrup. Really, a little cough doesn’t mean you’re ill; it’s more likely you have a (starting) cold. And a cold is not, I repeat, NOT the same as being ill. And if you really are ill, take some drugs for God’s sake, some aspirin. But noooò, men are too stubborn for that. They want pity. They want to be pampered. For a little, annoying, cough. Damn, you men are so stubborn, annoying and dumb sometimes. Don’t take the damned syrup, cause a nasty little cough doesn’t effect your throat at all… At some point, your throat will not hurt from all that coughing… Your body is build to endure everything without any help from you… Cough syrup? Drugs? Who needs them? Certainly not men, who are after all the stronger sex. Oops, I forgot, you’re the weaker sex. TAKE THOSE DAMN DRUGS IF YOU’RE ILL!!!! TAKE COUGH SYRUP IF YOU HAVE AN ANNOYING, NASTY COUGH!!!
Hopefully the point has come across. Still not convinced men are the weaker sex? Here’s a fact for you: women have a lower pain threshold than men, but at the same time have a higher pain level – so we do feel pain sooner, but we can also endure pain longer before we pass out. You men are so weak.

Say What!?

Ok, two (little) articles in the Dutch Metro (18 November 2005, respectively page 7 and 17) which shocked the living daylights out of me. Yep, this is somewhat exaggerated, but still 2 articles which attracted my attention.

First of all, it seems that 8 hours of sleep per night is not that healthy. People who sleep 8 hours per night have a 12% higher change on a premature death than people who sleep 6.7 - 7.5 hours. Researchers of the University of San Diego, the little article says, have studied over a million people on their conduct of sleep, in the ages 30 till 102. If you sleep over 8.5 hours or less than 4, the change of a premature death is even more than 15%. That sucks, if it’s true, for I’m a big fan of sleeping and spending my day in or on bed.

Secondly, I never knew being a professional gamer could be that good for your bank account!! Starting from Sunday, the top 32 players of ‘Painkiller’ will gather in New York for the unofficial World Championship. Here they compete for the largest sum of prize money ever divided on a gaming tournament. The big favourite is the Dutch Sander Kaasjager (20) from Huizen. And if everything goes according to plan, he will cash in $150000 on Tuesday! So far he has already won a total of $118000 on prize money. He may be called the best earning gamer in the world. So just shoot me now… if I had any idea what was at stake when I was young, I would have been into gaming from the start, in stead of watching my brothers play a game…. I want that kind of money…. And then spend it on books :D

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

The other day I heard that research had shown that women spend 2 years of their lives in front of a mirror. Two years… Making themselves more beautiful/prettier/cuter than they already are. Trying to conform to the given standards in the magazines. Doing their hair and make-up… Just ignore the fact that if you don’t have any natural beauty of your own, make-up alone will not suffice. Which brings me to plastic surgery.
I understand why some women (and men) would want to submit to plastic surgery. I really do. Personally I wouldn’t – for I’m too chickenshit for something like that. Besides that, I am cute all of my own and don’t want to change my appearance, let alone correct my nose. And if I wanted to lose weight I’d change my diet (less candy, sweets and chocolate, and less soft drink) and perhaps start exercising. That is the healthiest way anyway. But some women, who undergo surgery, just don’t need it. They are cute and beautiful and pretty and slim. And they still undergo surgery… I don’t get that. I don’t get programmes like ‘Perfect!’ where gorgeous women undergo surgery to become ‘prefect’ by their own definitions and own likings. But hey, doesn’t the saying go ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’? And unfortunately beautiful people earn more, have a better social life and are more successful in life in general. Life sucks, life’s a bitch and hard as a rock. You’re fat, you’re ugly, and you’re not perfect. Don’t accept your own looks and life. Undergo surgery. Take the easy way out, cause life’s hard as it is with you being just cute, pretty or beautiful…. Just for your information, this is just a tad bit sarcastic.

Under Pressure :P

It has been quite some time since I last wrote for my blog. I have neglected my blog for nearly a year, but lately I felt an urge to do something about that. To conjure something up and just write. There is only one problem with that - I normally don’t want to write just anything. It has to make sense, if only to me, and it has to lead somewhere. It has to have a point.
So here I am, writing a blog entry that hasn’t got a point at all. It is just a notification of the fact that I will attempt to write on a regular basis from now on. If you want to thank or damn someone for this, for I have had a boost from a friend, go to http://ysgrublaidd.blogspot.com/ and just leave him a message.
Oh, and on a personal note to you Ys… I said I would see if I could devise something for you as entry today, and you didn’t believe me… Shows you, you were just plain wrong in not trusting me on this ;) And yeah, your pressure has helped :D

On a side note: When I was writing this blog entry, I heard ‘Under Pressure’ from Queen and David Bowie. Isn’t that just ironic...

Typical Woman?

I can be typical woman towards the men in my life. I am not talking about friends who happen to be male, but about my brothers and my father.

Bear with me ok, it’s quite a long story.

When my oldest brother got his first girlfriend, I really didn’t like her at all. You may even say I hated her. The reason for this was that, before she came round, I had him all to myself. It may sound a little naïve, but at the time I was 16 (he was 18) and except for his (male) friends, no girl had ever come into our home for him. So I was jealous. Jealous she had his attention and I didn’t when she was around, and jealous because in my eyes she was more beautiful than I. Why else would she have my brother’s affection while I didn’t have a boyfriend? Why else would we (my brother and I) be growing apart if not for her? My ‘hate’ didn’t last long; she came to my room one day, crying. Yep, so we talked and I became a lot more at ease with her, and to some extend, we became friends. My brother and she finally broke their relation because my brother got sick of travelling half the country to get to her (it’s a little country, The Netherlands, but it still takes quite some time to get from one end to the other, especially by train). Since they ended their relation I have seen her once more, when she came to look us all up, and after that she has visited my brother’s new place once. I was quite surprised when he told that she at visited him at his new place, and he hadn’t even told that right away. It was at dinner once, I don’t know how long after she visited him. But, I was just a little disappointed that I didn’t have the chance to meet up with her. She was/is quite nice and I very much liked her after that talk of ours.

Does this have a point? Yes it does. Bear with me, please.

My father has been married once before, before he met my mother. They were married for 8 years and the brake up wasn’t sweet from what I understand. It was hell. It was blood and murder (figurative speaking of course). Thank God no children were involved.
And after a period of 25 years, they finally decided they wanted to come together to meet up, and talk to each other, exchanging photo’s and things they still had of one another. This was arranged through my aunt, who sometimes came/comes in contact with the ex.
So, my father and his ex had a meeting once more, today. Their third meeting. It seems her children are very interested in my father, who he is, what he looks like. And she apparently is interested in us children. So, during dinner my father asked if we (my little brother of 19, and I) were just as curious at his ex, as her children were at him. My little brother had a very sensible view to the situation; he just wasn’t interested in her children or in her, who they are, and what they all look like. It also didn’t bother him that they were meeting. If my father wanted to meet her, fine with him.
It bothers me though, just a bit. I don’t want to meet her or her husband. I am not interested what se looks like (it’s enough I know she is Surinamese), and who she is. Neither am I interested in her children. It didn’t bother me that they wanted to talk things over, that they wanted to catch up with one another. It really didn’t bother me that they had a second meeting. But the third? It seems to be that she has grasped control over my father (perhaps once more); it seems to me that when they meet, he is chasing after her (every time they meet, he has the longest drive); it seems to me that she holds all the power in hands.
My father thought that I had a very feminine view to the situation (and was surprised), and that I was seeing his ex as an opponent. I am not; at least I don’t think so. He said that if it didn’t bother him, meeting a friend and doing more for that meeting than she, than who cares? Ok, that’s fair, but can she not come to where we life, instead of him driving each single time to her? My father was late for dinner tonight, because he was held up in a file/traffic-jam after he had met her. I wonder if she had the same problem, I doubt it.
Further more, it bothers me that he has seen this woman now for three times, when he hasn’t seen his true friends once this whole year.
I was told that his ex was so interested in us that my mother suggested celebrating my father’s birthday (he hasn’t done that for quite some time now), so that she can all meet us, and his brothers and sisters who she also wanted to see. I don’t want to meet her, I don’t have the urge, and I don’t feel the need.
Am I being typical woman? Am I defending my mother who hasn’t have a problem with the meetings, except for the fact that she too thinks his ex has to come this way for once, instead of him that way? Am I sticking up for my father’s best interest with my opinion she for once has the longer drive?
Or am I just being typical, and as with my brother, see these meetings more and more as an invasion of my territory? Do I think she is stealing my father’s attention from me? I don’t think so. But hey, it could just as well be true. Maybe, I am just not very good at sharing my brothers and father.